Black, White, or Grey

I have so much time on my hands waiting for school to start that I think way too much! Here's some thoughts.....I'm tired of people telling me that I should be grateful to be single and that I should enjoy it while I can. Do these people really even know me? Do they know how difficult and challenging it is to go through this trial? I am a person that was born to be a wife and a mother. (didn't used to think so)It's the very essence of who I am. So to wait patiently for "the right time" is a trial for me. It's sacrificing a piece of myself. It is so hard to see all your married friends hang out with each other and then know that you can't really be a part of that because you're single, and they forget to invite you because once again.....single. It's horrible to be lonely. It's hard when you go to a singles branch and your the oldest one and the only one your age. It's challenging to realize that in two years you will go to a family ward without a family of your own. So what do I do? I babysit, I crochet, I plan weekly meals, I make flowers for my future wedding dress, I plan my wedding down to the last detail. Why? Crazy? I do this so that I can keep my hope in knowing that someday I will get married. Not to be a psycho. But to retain a part of myself and my dreams.

I have a friend that tells me not to worry and to be busy. Which, I try to do. I try to improve myself, to be happy with myself, and to not worry that my eggs are shriveling up and if I wait any longer I won't have children, or when I do they will be twenty when I'm eighty. I do my best to be social and be happy with what i've got. I guess that's the most you can do in any trial. Yes, I can improve, and yes, i do like my independance.......but yes, i can't wait for the dream of my very own family.