Like I said previously, when I was 25 I was diagnosed with depression. I always thought that this was some serious weird unknown pathetic disease. So of course, when I had bad days, or stood in the shower contemplating that disappearing would solve everything, I just thought it was a bad day.
Until one night, I was leaving the BYU library, and just crying and crying over something very minute. PS, a part of depression is heightened emotions. There is A LOT of overwhelming emotion.
I digress, as I was leaving, feeling worthless, a friend called me. She has been like a second mom to me, and she and her family have struggled with depression for several years. She could hear the tears in my voice and asked me what was wrong. I felt SO extremely silly telling her that I felt worthless because I was failing my classes, that somehow I couldn't work full time and go to school full time and succeed! Not to mention, that I never had any dates in the "land o plenty" and that I was generally unhappy with life. She asked if I was praying and reading my scriptures and going to the temple and church, which I was. She said.....Kelda, you are doing everything that you can, and the best that you can.....I think you need to consider that you might have something else wrong and go to a doctor.
I, being stubborn, instead went to group counseling sessions, where I learned from others, that it is OK to feel your emotion. It's ok to feel upset, to feel sad, to feel angry. So many times our society tells us that we HAVE to be happy all the time, and that to feel anything other than happiness is not right.......I felt so accepted and loved by complete strangers that I opened up too. I learned that many of us carry heavy emotional burdens alone.
Do you recall? Several prophets, and writers in the Book of Mormon expressed "heavy hearts", "sorrow" and other emotions about what was around them. The difference between feeling and recognizing an emotion is knowing how to manage that emotion. Those in the Book of Mormon are perfect examples of how to manage emotion. They poured their hearts out to the Lord, and HE comforted them. The Savior has promised us that He will lighten our burdens....why don't we listen??
After the group sessions, I thought that I was all good! I knew how to handle my emotions! HAHAHA! Little did I know that it takes practice!!!
1 comment:
Kelda,
You been doing any arting around lately? I'd love to seem some more of your painting. (some would say the upside of complex emotion is manifest in the creation of complex and beautiful art.) I hope you still find time to express b/c I think you have a lot of color to add to the dim grey world! Just a thought.
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